Believe it if you like

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Hi guys, here is a tale for you.

Two headed dog running loose in China , an obese chinese man is thought
to have seen a two headed dog running loose in china.
His name in chinese is whoflungdung , when translated into english ,
his name is thought to be Paddy.
Apparently he's addicted to rice and rice wine.He believes eating
rice has made him obese , he was born in the year of the dog.

Quite often on moonlit nights after a few rice wines he sees a two
headed dog , he's named it after his mother Ghengisdung.
He's not the sort of guy to take any crap said his mother.
Apparently dung has been in the family for hundreds of years
and she has quite a few pet dung beetles to prove it !

A distant relative of whoflungdung who didn't want to be quoted
said " a two headed dog is unbelievable, I think my dog faced
relative has been to too many vietnamese restaurants."

Whoflungdung is a twin , when he was born , his doctor
thought he was delivering quintuplets ,the doctor is a very
competent man, his friends say.They believe he was born in the
year of the turkey.Later that same night the doctor believed he saw
a two headed dog , at the time he was drinking saki ,his mother
was Japanese.His wife said sometimes he was very dogmatic.

Even in china tall tales exist.

Seeya
Tom

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Hi guys , another tall tale

In Newyork city a naked Neanderthal was spotted catching a train,
a dwarf said. The dwarf was waiting for his grandmother at the
time.A trained spokesman said I thought there was something
different about him when he said "dude can you give me a dime."

Being a spokesman on many issues, I am trained to notice
anything out of the ordinary. Most Newyorkers don't talk
very much he said.But this guy seemed happy in a primitive
sort of way , he was obviously down on his luck.
The homeless quite often have very little to wear he said.

He reminded me a lot of my mother inlaw he said ,quite often
she is out to lunch , just the way I like it.

The dwarfs grandmother finally turned up , just in time to
see him boarding the train , he's added years to my life span
she said. ( note: she only saw him from behind)

The neanderthal was last seen talking to a dwarf , who shall
remain nameless.


When I worked as a reporter, Accuracy was considered
the god of good fortune ,the spokesman said.



Seeya
Tom

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Hi guys , here is yet another tale or two ....or.....


One armed man seen swimming in the British Channel.
A Jet skii enthusiast believes she saw a one armed man swimming
in the British Channel. The guy was 6 foot 3 inches and even
waved she said.Naturally I waved back.

She was sailing at the time.Her friends and her thought it
would be good sailing weather ,so they went skin diving instead.

Skin diving can be very dangerous she said ,unless you are
trained in survival techniques , her brother is in the army and
taught her everything she knows.
He doesn't swim and is afraid of water.

Later on she dropped off her brother who is a doctor at his house,
but didn't mention the one armed man she had seen.
Her brothers last name is Kimble.

She told the spokesman " I don't lie and believe in Truth ,
Justice , and democracy and the global way ".
Her favorite quote is " Beware of geeks bearing gifts"



Wild woman seen in New Zealand forest.
An eye witness believes she saw Xena Warrior princess roaming
loose. I got to within 3 feet of her said the witness , and I
could hear someone calling Lucy very softly.In todays Lawless
society sometimes it's better to run she said.

In a nearby tree I found a Chakra she said , so I picked it up
and threw it at her.The next minute before she could say Gabriel
come and help me,I heard a wail or was it a scream.
I feared for my life !

That was the last I saw of Xena , some say she was brought up
bY actors , personally I believe its a myth.
From time to time on a darkened tv screen , I think I actually
see her face. Alas Horatio I didn't know her well , but
she was a woman of infinite splendour.
CSI Miami here I come.



Tomb raider sought by authorities
In Egypt last summer a woman who was very jolle , is thought to
have discovered a new Egyptian Tomb.

An eye witness with a dog and a cane , is thought to have seen her.
He said she was clad all in black , he thought she was a demon
at first, the way the light caught her body, she seemed to be
painted gold.Just for a brief second she looked almost naked.

A nearby wolf howled , they are quite common in Egypt this time
of year he said.

The tomb had all sorts of artifacts authorites say ,
an ancient marriage contract was found.
The ancient couple were thought to have been married for 87
years.The couples names in english appear to start with A
for the woman and B for the man.Due to wear and tare the
picture language is difficult to read he said.

Though they are not of royal blood , they appear to have had
a long and successful life he said.
At their feet was found an Egyptian Tabloid "The Rameses
Daily " ,it was so badly damaged it was almost impossible
to read he said.It was carbon dated as being 50 years before
their marriage.
The little that can be deciphered appears to say , couple
not expected to stay together.
A later discovery of another Tabloid that was broken in half ,
proved quite enlightening , an Egyptologist said.
She dated it as being Bc 2010 , 75 years after the couples
marriage , it said " Divorce expected soon experts agree it
can't last "

Egyptian authorities all agree experts are to be trusted.
A little faith goes along way said a high official ,
who by coincidence was an atheist.



Obama lookalike seen eating burger,the first lady on the
scene reported.

An eye witness said he appeared to be over 7 feet tall ,
at first I thought I was looking at Bigfoot.
I was sitting down at the time.He seemed to be mumbling
about fitness, and in between bites said thats finger
licking good.
Though thought to be a proud man he wasn't afraid to order
an extra serving of French Frys before he left.

He later left with a doggie bag.What was in the bag is on a
need to know basis he said.
Sources report their not sure if protocol was broken.
A man who believed he was a CIA agent refused to comment,
but was heard muttering their goes my job security.

A service man was seen nearby , secretly watching him ,
sipping on a vodka martini ,it was shaken but not stirred.

The first lady on the scene cannot be contacted ,but
sources say she likes a rarely seen movie called "Goldmember".

Thats all from me for a while.

Seeya
Tom

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Hi guys here is another one ,

I love this Doctor
He has the right slant on things...( He's Chinese)

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of ! the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... F! oods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
&! nbsp;A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? !
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay or Beer in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final &n! bsp;word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


'Today is a gift, that is why it is called 'The Present.'

Seeya
Tom

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An eye witness reported that he saw a dead man running in the park sources say.
The man who wanted to remain nameless and had a french accent , said "
yes it was beyond belief "

These days you can see just about anybody running in the park.
I believe he was an evil resident he said ,and he was carrying an umbrella
at the time.

Though a Zombie lover he said you have to draw the line somewhere.
His wife Alice said she was ready willing and able to deal with any corpus
delicti.

The dead can be evil she said , she likes to chainsaw branches in her sparetime.
Some people even say she's psychic , hmm perhaps.

Her husband is an inspector, who doesn't have a clue , so , what is a woman
to do , in todays modern society she said.
Her husbands hobby is disguises and he has a friend called balls.

The man running in the park is believed to be Shaun of the Dead.
Apparently he was in a hurry to meet his girlfriend.
He studies biology & vaccines
He was heard muttering " I am Legend " , if only Will could see me now !

Alice said she'd send him to Zombieland to see his friend Columbus
if she caught him, and all the twinkies in the world wouldn't help him.

Seeya
Tom

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Hi guys, here is something different.


Personal Adds:

Sarah seeks Terminator for short term relationship
I want a strong man who looks to the future.
I have a wide circle of friends , who'd love to meet you.
I like to travel a lot , and don't stay in one place for very long.
My son Connor likes robots and animals.
The sky is the limit ,please email me on the net.


Connor seeks vet must like travel and excitement
view permanent relationship.
End of the world excitement.

Reese seeks girlfriend for short term relationship , must like a
challenge.One night stand expected.
Though thought to be a father figure , I think a good robot could replace me he said.

Terminator sought by son of Connor, salvation expected but not demanded.

Terminator sought by Net , the skys the limit.

Daughter of Connor seeks well built pleasure bot, independence expected,
and demanded.

Terminator seeks companion , must be a chip off the old block.

Friend of Connor cloned 52 times, skynet very busy unable, to take any
messages at present.

Five Clones of Sarah Connor seen shopping at mall, by stander quoted
as saying " But there can be only one "

Arny seeks singer , must be bad to the bone.

Sigorney sought by Alien for brief interlude must like running.

Predator seeks Alien, mutual fun, please contact the Pyramid,Aztec.com.hmm
Son of Predator seeks mud crabs for fun times ,must be large.


Dead man seen swimming in lake by mother of three.
A mother of three who was walking a dog at the time, said she saw
a dead man swimming in a lake.

He didn't seem to move much she said, but I could tell he was swimming.
He even seemed to be smiling at the time.
So I smiled and waved, but he ignored me and didn't move a muscle.


Quite often I walk by the lake and see a lot of dead wood she said.
Her friends believe she's blonde.

She told me she believed his name was Dumbledorf and that he should
be buried in The middle Earth as a tribute to his ring of confidence.

Seeya
Tom

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Hi guys, yet another tale or two :

Well known actor has piranha in foot,
A source close to the actor, said yes he's
quite a thin sort of guy.
At first I thought it was all the exercise
he did.
Apparently he can eat anything he likes,
and he's not worried about cholesterol.
He said he has thought of getting it removed,
but didn't have the time,he always seems
to be running around.

It's believed that when he was bathing in
piranha infested waters, he cut his foot,
and an egg must have entered his blood
stream.

The reporter enquired did he ever feed
his fish ?.No he said.

I believe he said that in this dog
eat dog world,more christians like
me are needed.

Too many people let hate eat them up he said.
Do you pray I asked, yes he said,
when I am not fishing.
His favorite meal is fish and chips.
His favorite Yoga pose is paranayama.


Illegal Alien seen entering saucer
A man who described himself as a
boat person , was last seen entering
a flying saucer.
A robot was seen at the entrance,
in a robotic voice he said all are
welcome.
The men in black refused to comment.
But were heard muttering , just look
at the bright light for a second.


Man has death wish
A man who died of old age is believed to
have had a death wish.
What it was is difficult to say said
a leading Psychologist.
He admitted it was very difficult
to probe a dead mans mind, he also
admitted he saw dead people.
To quote him " I see dead people."
His favorite Jacket is a Straight Jacket.


Santa seen at north pole
An eye witness said," I was snow blind
at the time, but I know Santa when I see
him"
Apparently he tripped over an elf,
when he went for a morning stroll.

Santa refused to comment, infact
according to him he wasn't there.
However he did say " Ho,Ho,Ho."

The rest was censored as a minority
group of people don't like xmas.
As a reporter I try to be politically
correct,and I might be going into
politics.

Bah Humbug


Seeya
Tom

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Hi guys,

Here's a new one for you.

A man who knew a great deal, but believed he knew nothing, met an A.I
promotor.The promotor in turn knew a great deal, and said their wasn't anything he didn't know, or couldn't find out.

The man was astounded and amazed,he finally met a man that knew everything and could prove it.

However the man was a first generation robot with a good personality.

The question is which man ?

Seeya
Tom

[POWERPLAY07]

Hi guys yet another,

Werewolf seen eating at Mc Donalds

An eye witness who likes burgers, was enjoying her usual burger at Mcdonalds.
There was a New Moon, and she was reading The Vampire Diaries.
A little drop of blood trickled from her mouth, she likes reporters she said.

A host from a Tv show sat nearby Reading Twilight.
Someone noticed she was passing rarely cooked burgers under the table.

The reporter on the scene had hairy hands and long finger nails
It was a glorious night the stars twinkled in the sky through the mist.

A child with a red hoodie sat nearby.
The child got up and said to the reporter what big teeth you have.
He said all the better to smile at you my dear

So she said what big nails you have, he said all the better to pick my teeth
my dear.

So she said is that hunch in your back, or are you just happy to see me.
He said I'm just happy to see you my dear.

The reporters girl friend referred to him as a bit of a wolf.

A blind man sitting nearby said the reporter smelled a bit doggie,
he was eating a rare burger at the time, and his ears seemed pointed.


A deaf man was smiling at the little girl, his favorite movie was One Flew
over the Cuckoos nest AND sherlock Holmes Hound of the Baskervilles.
The deaf man payed no attention to the conversation with the little girl.

When the moon was full the eye witness started to growl softly at first,
then it grew steadily louder.

She hadn't eaten in over a month at Mcdonalds she said.


Seeya
Tom

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Hi guys

Toothless Terror seen eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken

A collector who liked shrunken heads, decided on his day off
to go to kentucky fried.

He was brought up in New Guniea by a witch doctor who had a bed of nails.
Many people said the witch doctor was a hard man with no nerve endings.

However the collector believed the witch doctor had a sense of humor, because he liked
shrunken heads that smiled.

The collector forgot to wear his false teeth when he went to Kentucky Fried.
This gave his head a shrunken appearance,that made him smile.

Catcha Later
Tom

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Hi guys,

News articles in paper:


Cannibal wanted for hire free chicken provided, ala carte
B.Y.O. blow gun ,captives provided.


Tall woman seeks short man for mutually rewarding friendship, growth hormones provided.

Anorexic seeks fat drug to put on a little weight.

Jewish man seeks Jewish woman for pork eating contest.

Thats all for now
P.P

Italian man seeks spaghetti bender for lifelong friendship.

Participants needed to take mind bending drug to see the invisible man, invisible woman provided.

Nobodys seen nor heard of their children, in over a week.

Sumo wrestler seeks real turkey for wrestling, men need only apply.